This week saw my last lesson of the Semester. First quarter of 2001's just gone like that.
How fast time really flies.
Looking back, how much loss I have ? But on the other hand, how much did I gain ? Afterall, it's been a semester that was met with emotional devastation, caused by a yet-again heartbreak right at the beginning. There's many a times when I lost my motivation due to all these feelings inside. Yet at least, I was able to put all these heartbreaking feelings aside and put on hours to study for all these semester tests.
Cause I know, I must not make the same old mistakes and those same regrets over again in this phase of school life.
I am glad I am still able to achieve something out in terms of my studies despite all these devastations caused by a vicious relationship cycle.
Though the MAIN battle is yet to come. It's starting this coming end of April.
Feelings might affect me, but not my studies.
While I hope you will achieve victories in your exams too.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
老实讲
爱你却从不讲 幸福的致命伤
从此我只能够在部落格上
路过你快乐悲伤
你说你想飞翔 所以我不阻挡
希望你能够在他的肩膀上
找到那爱的信仰
我承认有些话当时没老实讲
那么坏人就让我来当
我了解有些话现在没老实讲
明天我将失去了胆量
当你成为别人的新娘
我承认有些话当时若老实讲
现在就不会两败俱伤
其实爱你的心早已濒临疯狂
连我自己也无法抵抗
再也还原不了的时光
从此我只能够在部落格上
路过你快乐悲伤
你说你想飞翔 所以我不阻挡
希望你能够在他的肩膀上
找到那爱的信仰
我承认有些话当时没老实讲
那么坏人就让我来当
我了解有些话现在没老实讲
明天我将失去了胆量
当你成为别人的新娘
我承认有些话当时若老实讲
现在就不会两败俱伤
其实爱你的心早已濒临疯狂
连我自己也无法抵抗
再也还原不了的时光
Monday, February 14, 2011
Dear mum
Dear mum,
It's been more than a hundred days since you left the world.
Sometimes I feel like looking at your portrait at home and telling you all the shits that happened since you're gone. Perhaps, I should have shared with you all the shits that happened in my life throughout these years when you were around, even if you were disabled physically and perhaps somehow mentally.
Within that first 100 days since you were gone, I wanted to make a brilliant start in my life. I would like to achieve actual proofs in my studies, I would like to breakthrough in my relationship life. There were the things that you wanted to see in your pasttime but failed to see when you were around. In the end, it's doesn't even matter. No matter how much effort I tried, how much prayers I put in, they still can't find a way in my life.
Today is Valentine's Day. Once again, I had to stare blank and feeling disheartened on this day.
Two months ago, fate brings this person closer to my life, only to see her getting attached with someone she knew better at the end of the day. I should be happy for her. That's a thing a man should do.
But I have to question myself.
Why do I always have to be at the wrong end of a relationship ?
I am in mid-20s yet I am still stuck in this vicious relationship cycle.
Mum,
Seriously, I had enough of all this. I took faith for close to 7 years but what did I get in the end ?
Minor actual proofs but consistent failures to breakthrough in the major ones ?
I am really tired.
Tomorrow will be a day that I must really move on. But who can guarantee right now that I will not have to face all these shits anymore ?
It's been more than a hundred days since you left the world.
Sometimes I feel like looking at your portrait at home and telling you all the shits that happened since you're gone. Perhaps, I should have shared with you all the shits that happened in my life throughout these years when you were around, even if you were disabled physically and perhaps somehow mentally.
Within that first 100 days since you were gone, I wanted to make a brilliant start in my life. I would like to achieve actual proofs in my studies, I would like to breakthrough in my relationship life. There were the things that you wanted to see in your pasttime but failed to see when you were around. In the end, it's doesn't even matter. No matter how much effort I tried, how much prayers I put in, they still can't find a way in my life.
Today is Valentine's Day. Once again, I had to stare blank and feeling disheartened on this day.
Two months ago, fate brings this person closer to my life, only to see her getting attached with someone she knew better at the end of the day. I should be happy for her. That's a thing a man should do.
But I have to question myself.
Why do I always have to be at the wrong end of a relationship ?
I am in mid-20s yet I am still stuck in this vicious relationship cycle.
Mum,
Seriously, I had enough of all this. I took faith for close to 7 years but what did I get in the end ?
Minor actual proofs but consistent failures to breakthrough in the major ones ?
I am really tired.
Tomorrow will be a day that I must really move on. But who can guarantee right now that I will not have to face all these shits anymore ?
Thursday, February 10, 2011
At the end of the day...
She never left any wishes.
Though, I am really appreciated and grateful for each and every friend, be it those old friends or new friends who are made in school, for their simple, yet sincere and warm birthday messages.
Perhaps I should not expect so much... Afterall, a man should not expect even the simplest return from someone whom he always kept in his mind.
Fate determines who enters into our lives. The heart determines who stays.
Though, I am really appreciated and grateful for each and every friend, be it those old friends or new friends who are made in school, for their simple, yet sincere and warm birthday messages.
Perhaps I should not expect so much... Afterall, a man should not expect even the simplest return from someone whom he always kept in his mind.
Fate determines who enters into our lives. The heart determines who stays.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
It's another year living.
Coincidentally, it's the 7th day of the Lunar New Year. The day where people's doing the traditional "Lo Hei" and it's traditionally the day where everyone celebrates each birthday.
A few friends said that it's "double joy" for me to have my birthday falling on this day. However, this year, I had to welcome another year older with a much more bittersweet feelings after all the same old vicious cycles that had happened not too long ago. There are present times that I thought what can have been, what will have been if she's around and plays a major part in my life. But then right now, all these are mere thoughts that will never be happen. Like what I mentioned earlier, she had the rights to choose and choices are deserved to be respected. That's a fact that I need to accept.
Perhaps, I have to accept the fact that I have such a vicious relationship karma. The faith that had to be screwed deeply by the act of hard fate.
Exactly 5 days later will be another day that I need to dealt with.
24, the year of Tiger or 2010 was a year that deserved to forget after it seemed so promising yet failed to deliver once more. A year that I had seem a loss of a loved one and all these numerous major disappointing setbacks that overwrote the joy and happiness and smaller achievements that occured...
Reaching the mid 20s and now birthday wishes have to be so straight forward after all these consistent failures not just in relationships, but also aspects like studies and personal growth. It seems that time has always been unforgiving and I can only make sure (once more) that resolutions must be fulfilled to erase all these disappointments of the past.
A million thanks to each and everyone who remembers me, via all forms of social communication networks. Birthday wishes are there to be appreciated and I am grateful.
A few friends said that it's "double joy" for me to have my birthday falling on this day. However, this year, I had to welcome another year older with a much more bittersweet feelings after all the same old vicious cycles that had happened not too long ago. There are present times that I thought what can have been, what will have been if she's around and plays a major part in my life. But then right now, all these are mere thoughts that will never be happen. Like what I mentioned earlier, she had the rights to choose and choices are deserved to be respected. That's a fact that I need to accept.
Perhaps, I have to accept the fact that I have such a vicious relationship karma. The faith that had to be screwed deeply by the act of hard fate.
Exactly 5 days later will be another day that I need to dealt with.
24, the year of Tiger or 2010 was a year that deserved to forget after it seemed so promising yet failed to deliver once more. A year that I had seem a loss of a loved one and all these numerous major disappointing setbacks that overwrote the joy and happiness and smaller achievements that occured...
Reaching the mid 20s and now birthday wishes have to be so straight forward after all these consistent failures not just in relationships, but also aspects like studies and personal growth. It seems that time has always been unforgiving and I can only make sure (once more) that resolutions must be fulfilled to erase all these disappointments of the past.
A million thanks to each and everyone who remembers me, via all forms of social communication networks. Birthday wishes are there to be appreciated and I am grateful.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Chinese New Year
It's 2nd day of the Chinese New Year and once again, the maternal side of my family tree had the annual CNY gathering today.
However, for the first time, the gathering was without my mum and my grandaunt. They were no longer around. Despite all these, it's best to keep these family ties and bonds going. I really enjoy getting in touch with these maternal relatives and updating with each other. Somehow, they are really amazing people. I guess there's a lot more I can learn and emulate from them. I had a good catch-ups with Yansen. As cousins for exactly close to 25 years, I guess we should meet up and hang out more often.
I wish someone is there with me to see all these amazing uncles, aunts, cousins, nephew and nieces of mine.
It could have been...
However, for the first time, the gathering was without my mum and my grandaunt. They were no longer around. Despite all these, it's best to keep these family ties and bonds going. I really enjoy getting in touch with these maternal relatives and updating with each other. Somehow, they are really amazing people. I guess there's a lot more I can learn and emulate from them. I had a good catch-ups with Yansen. As cousins for exactly close to 25 years, I guess we should meet up and hang out more often.
I wish someone is there with me to see all these amazing uncles, aunts, cousins, nephew and nieces of mine.
It could have been...
Monday, January 31, 2011
Last day for the second time
Today was my last day for the second time at PGPR. In fact, the past January was quite a packed one, as I had to juggle both school lessons and work together, though the good thing was that I was given time off to attend my lessons.
This time round though, waving good bye to my same old place was a simple one, especially after all the things that had happened for these past few months since the start of holidays.
I don't really wanna elaborate all the things that had really happened... All those details of somewhat bittersweet memories that had left behind. Fate may have brought us to a greater understandings through this working stint during the holidays, but never brought you to play an even greater part in my life. Perhaps everything happens for a reason. That's the sentence that may inspire people to move on, yet always remain an awful fact that can hurt people deeply at the start.
I can only blame myself for not having the right amount of good fortune to be with you at the very end, an always vicious cycle of 有缘无份... And these no matter how much prayers I had put, and those simple yet sincere things that I did to tell you how much I really care, to give you the right impression that I can be your right one. The fact is, at the beginning, fate of love was not at my side afterall.
You are not at fault at all, you always have the rights to make your choices, and choices are deserved to be respected. I will always be happy for you no matter how painful my heart may feel. Thanks for all these short yet significant memories that you provided in my life, those joy of working and getting along together and getting to bring a friendship to a greater understandings. And that's despite the fact that you may have left work earlier to prepare for the opening of the new semester, and we had never really interacted in our school activities, ever since you are officially with the person that you thought he's the right one for you.
Don't worry, I will definitely move on like I always did in the past... Though I am really tired of all these one-sided relationships vicious cycles that had been happening in me since young. Sometimes now, I wonder...... Who can now guarantee that I will find someone like you, or perhaps better than you ? Who can now guarantee that I will never have to go through the same old shit again ?
The festive month of Chinese New Year, turning a year older and Valentine Day should be a happier one... I could have my family and friends around me... But who can really kill off my emptiness inside ?
It's not a bad thing to be single... But ain't you sick of going through all these one-sided relationshits ? All you just want is to find the right partner and go through the joy and challenges of a relationship, like any other friends around you do.
If I can choose, I will rather go through the struggles of a relationships, be it quarrels or even breakups, than going through the same old vicious one-sided cycles that I thought I had learnt, but I felt I had always never learnt.
This time round though, waving good bye to my same old place was a simple one, especially after all the things that had happened for these past few months since the start of holidays.
I don't really wanna elaborate all the things that had really happened... All those details of somewhat bittersweet memories that had left behind. Fate may have brought us to a greater understandings through this working stint during the holidays, but never brought you to play an even greater part in my life. Perhaps everything happens for a reason. That's the sentence that may inspire people to move on, yet always remain an awful fact that can hurt people deeply at the start.
I can only blame myself for not having the right amount of good fortune to be with you at the very end, an always vicious cycle of 有缘无份... And these no matter how much prayers I had put, and those simple yet sincere things that I did to tell you how much I really care, to give you the right impression that I can be your right one. The fact is, at the beginning, fate of love was not at my side afterall.
You are not at fault at all, you always have the rights to make your choices, and choices are deserved to be respected. I will always be happy for you no matter how painful my heart may feel. Thanks for all these short yet significant memories that you provided in my life, those joy of working and getting along together and getting to bring a friendship to a greater understandings. And that's despite the fact that you may have left work earlier to prepare for the opening of the new semester, and we had never really interacted in our school activities, ever since you are officially with the person that you thought he's the right one for you.
Don't worry, I will definitely move on like I always did in the past... Though I am really tired of all these one-sided relationships vicious cycles that had been happening in me since young. Sometimes now, I wonder...... Who can now guarantee that I will find someone like you, or perhaps better than you ? Who can now guarantee that I will never have to go through the same old shit again ?
The festive month of Chinese New Year, turning a year older and Valentine Day should be a happier one... I could have my family and friends around me... But who can really kill off my emptiness inside ?
It's not a bad thing to be single... But ain't you sick of going through all these one-sided relationshits ? All you just want is to find the right partner and go through the joy and challenges of a relationship, like any other friends around you do.
If I can choose, I will rather go through the struggles of a relationships, be it quarrels or even breakups, than going through the same old vicious one-sided cycles that I thought I had learnt, but I felt I had always never learnt.
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