2010

I normally will write the review of the year at the very last day of the year, but that's no point in writing that way. Especially when your year had promised so much, yet ended up nothing.

I could vividly remember how much resolutions and hopes I had put on for this year at the very end of 2009.

I could vividly remember how much I had prayed for and fought for throughout the year.

In the end, it doesn't even matter.

December 2010 just simply made December 2009 look more sweeter.

Certainly, there were some good times in the year... Such as involving in SYM and YOG, spending the best last part of working life before going back to school and rebuilding friendships that are lost in 2009.

I am grateful with all these... But they are never enough. No matter how much human revolution I had put in, bigger resolutions just failed to achieve at the very end.

Especially came after the fact that I lost my mum on 10/10/2010, I thought I can redeem something, be it studies, relationships or whatever for her. It's not just for her, it's also for myself, for everyone. Everyone, be it my father, my relatives, my friends, has been watching my growth, has been looking forward to see me scoring bigger victories in the year.

And considering the fact that I failed to score colourful results in my studies, failed to breakthrough in my relationships during her lifetime...

All I want to is to end the year on a positive note, after losing someone so close in your life. It's just so simple.

After a positive-looking and much happier November, the last month of 2010 was simply a joke, a cruel and awful joke. When everyone was celebrating their victories, in their faith and their personal lives, I have to face my own unhappiness and disappointments once again. And this despite the fact that I had put in abundant of prayers to make things right, and the right actions that I have done, making breakthroughs to get involve in things.

But they are never be enough, not always be enough.

Exam results did not reach my expectations when they were released at the beginning of December.

Looking back how I recover from the loss of a close kin which just took place just exactly 2 weeks before the exams...

Looking back how intensive the revisions were made alongside with fellow Uni friends in the libraries and Starbucks, and alone late in the night...

Looking back how much confidence I had attempted in the exam scripts even in the killer Marketing Principles...

Looking back how satisfied I am when I scored a Distinction in the Marketing project, Something I never really expected...

How I thought I can score to show the greatest actual proof in life so far, but they were just simply short of my expectations.

What I just wanna do is to show actual proof to my dad, who had been supporting me soo much for my education.

What I just wanna do is to show actual proofs to my cousin who took his O Levels this year, who is lacking in faith.

What I just wanna do is to show actual proofs to everyone around me... some might think I am underachieving. I am indeed underachieving.

Relationships wise, the vicious cycle of karma just came around and bite on me once more at this period of my life. You will never know how deep your karma is. I can't blame no one. I can only blame myself, for not having the destiny come right on my way and not accumulating those required good fortune in finding the right person. I thought she's the right person, someone who seems to click so well with you and seems suitable for you... But it's just merely a case of "so near yet so far". Once again, it's never meant to be.

She just simply got someone in mind right at the start. Everything seemed to be properly arranged in her life before I could do anything. Fate arranges for her to enter my new chapter of life, creates opportunities for me to know her with a better understanding, but there's not enough good fortune to be with her at the very end. I thought I can do something to give myself a chance, in the end things just never meant to be. I just hope she will be absolutely happy with the right person. I can only blame myself for not having the right destiny to know her even better and be with her.

All the unhappiness just came at the very last month of the year. Life can be such a joke. It can make you build hopes at the beginning of the year, enjoying some best days throughout and not bringing you to your resolutions and fulfill your hopes at the very end. As time goes by but you seem to be not achieving anything great and you are going to reach a quarter of the century, you can always say you have enough of all these shits, like you always do. And it's not that I have never try this time round.

But what's the point ?

England and Liverpool can have their worst year in memory, but that doesn't mean their supporter have to suffer the same way too.

Fuck 2010. I will definitely move on. It will take some times. Perhaps, I should not expect too much for 2011. The more we expect, the more we get disheartened and disappointed when things don't come in our way.

But how are we suppose to fight and breakthrough if we don't have expectations ?

Reunion

I am grateful at how things have eventually made a turnaround after more than one year.

It's really grateful and appreciated to see how old friendships can be rebuilt gradually.

Yet, at this very moment, I am met with yet another challenge in life. It's one biggest challenge since I entered University.

I can't elaborate much. I just hope things can turn out well... Even if premonitions may not be going my way right now.

Read again

I read this blog again and realise how stagnant my life is.

It seems that things are always the same, year after year.

It's not that I had never try hard.

The fact is, I had done whatever I can.

Perhaps, it's not always being the right time.

Perhaps, it's always the case of lacking the act of good fortune.

Second half of the year had seen more disappointments and unhappiness than joy.

The very last month.

I still gonna fight on despite having the slimmest of chances.

I just can't let happiness slipped away... This time round.

After some 4 months in exile

I can't believe I am writing my thoughts during these office hours... Perhaps time really passes soo slowly now.

It's been 4 months since I started writing again.

One semester of my new school life's gone just like that. At least it's looked better than before though... But I felt I could have done more.

Mum passed away on 10102010, just 2 weeks before the exams. We had been mentally prepared somehow, but it's been a sudden happening. I wish I can mention more about her some day.

Now I am back at PGP again during the holidays. Money is running out... And perhaps, time is running out. Speaking of it... Once again, we are staring at the end of the year, yet I am asking myself once again... How much resolutions set at the beginning of January 2010 have I actually achieved ? I can't hide the fact that I am somehow disappointed in my debut semester results, despite the fact that I had my most intensive revision in my life. Many things in life look soo stagnant and perhaps, bleak though.

Christmas is coming soon. Christmas is about hopes. But can hopes turn into reality eventually ?

National Day

I missed performing in National Day Parade with fellow SSA youths...

And for this year's one-in-a-lifetime Youth Olympics Games, I chose to do volunteering as an NOC assistant rather than performing in the opening ceremony. Well, it will be a wonderful experience playing my part as a volunteer in this global event. And yes, fresh struggles are there as I gotta juggle between studies and volunteering. 加油！

I sincerely hope next year's NDP item by Singapore Soka Association will be put up by the Youth Division. The biggest wish for me is to have the good fortune to invite new friends (non members) to participate together with me.

Not just one... But many.

Farewell.

Farewell to my first full-time job since ORDed...

Farewell to the long journey bus 151 ride... Though I gonna take the same bus service on a shorter route...

I definitely hate bidding farewell to a environment that's been there for long... Not long yet not short though... for a 16 months. I definitely hate saying goodbyes to those who are there working along, encouraging me along, and training me along for my human revolution for all these months. I always sincerely wish all these friendships that are forged since ORDed are always there, intact... even if they are no longer in the same environment as mine. And yes, I will definitely wanna make time for future catch-ups. (Despite the fact that I will be heading for a new challenge back as a full-time undergraduate, a challenge of redemption to achieve absolute victories in studies and meeting new good people.)

And I will always remember all the things that had happened for the past 16 months... Those highs and lows in my life. They had made me grow.

Good bye PGPR, but friendships never end...

While a fresh new chapter of life awaits...

A share of mixed feelings

It's already mid-July and World Cup had just completed exactly a week ago.

England may have disappointed me once again. Just a bunch of overrated, over-confident, half-hearted lads who could have chosen a easier route by not conceding a freak goal against the Americans, playing whole-heartedly as a team and beat Algeria and scored more than just a goal against Slovenia... and avoided a youthful Germany who played with soo much unity.

However, Spain had shown me that underachievers will eventually shine and make their breakthrough one day. Of course, I definitely wanna emulate Spain's winning ways, making breakthrough after breakthrough in life, and break all those vicious karmas that had plagued me for long.

Meanwhile, my days at PGPR are numbered as World Cup came to an end. The truth is, I really can't bear to leave my colleagues after more than 1 year of working life. This era of working life had seen my ups and downs... Those days of self-realisations and regrets of my education path, those disappointments of a 10 year friendship that was lost (It was exactly one year ago...), those highs of SYM involvement... They all happened during my working life at PGPR.

But it's time to move on... Afterall, I have planned my renewal of my study path some time ago.

Yet, I will always remember those friendships that are forged at this workplace and hope all these will continue to prolong.