Review 2009: Part I

"放手说真的不难...心碎, 该怎么计算?"

Dear Blog,

I know I had been retelling my story, my unhappiness for at least 6 months or soo. But this shall be the very last time that I have to recall my troubles since it's at the very end of 2009 and it's a time that I make a self-reflection and move on from here.

Right from the beginning of the year, I felt I was at the very best with the closest clique of Sec Sch friends; Friendships had prolonged and becoming closer especially during the NS days... and I did remember how I blogged and felt blessed about it almost exactly one year ago. (http://i-kieran-yiheng.blogspot.com/2008/12/2nd-last-day-of-year.html)

Yes, back then friendships with them were at the very best, and eventually some few of us went Hong Kong together at my very birthday month. This was the very first time going such an further overseas trip with friends besides going to Malaysia. While these 10 years of friendships were such in good terms, feelings started to grow for one of them in the group. At this point of time, I don't wish to mention any names. She might hate me more than she is now.

Ok... Perhaps afterall, we were at two different class of life, but I did regard her as a good friend in my social circle. I could still remember it was on the burning weekend of mass check-in at PGP during May, that she shared her problems and unhappiness over something she had encountered, and I tried my utmost best to encounter her and showed her my support, even though at that point of time, I might have limited words to cheer her up. Other than that particular incident, we had been chatting over online, catching up with each other even though we did not meet up for those few months since the HK trip.

However, things were not meant to be when I was having my troubles in my studies. I shall not elaborate what happened in my studies life as for now (I will mention it later.) but that's the point of time, that my emotions started to boil and I started to hate myself and feeling regret for being underachieving in my studies over the years. I began to feel inferior and getting myself out of place from this group of friends, and that's the bloody devilish function that told me that I need more concern from this female friend of mine.

In some occasions, I felt that I was being neglected by this closest clique of mine; It just seemed that's not much for me to share with them, and that's not much for them to talk to me. I started to feel that friendships started to feel distant apart, especially hers. I started to think "why we are not hanging out much often like we do after the trip?"... Afterall, we were quite KTV kakis during those heydays in 2008. Sorry, I just really can't control my emotions and feelings and yes, that's no need a particular reason for you to fall in love with someone. I was totally wrong, totally wrong.

Those wrongs eventually evolved when I decided to email her and spoke of my feelings in the online letter. Yes, I should have appreciated the things she replied to me... But I did not. Afterall, my deadly thinking was that: "I know I not gonna to be with you, but I want to be your best friend, a platonic best male friend."

I failed to take things easily. Eventually, there were times that it seemed I "confronted" her rather than having a good chat online. Those very few times really pissed her off, and I tried to engage a dialogue with her via phone. She declined it and claimed that she had made it clear. Well, afterwhich I decided to let things cooled down but things continued to deteriorate no thanks to my wrong moves in handling this situation.

Why do I say they are wrong moves? Well, at the boiling point of my troubles, I had mentioned and shared this particular problem with few friends in the clique, but the thing was... It seems I had mentioned the wrong things to the wrong people. In an indirect way, I had further pissed her more as she was getting distracted and annoyed by this self-inflicted karma of mine.

The worst thing came when someone from the very same school and yet not close to us, uttering nonsense on her facebook profile. Yes, just a few sentence of words were deadly enough for me to be ostracized from her cyberworld. I admitted that I felt like dying when such deadly scenes occurred.

While the storm and the cold war after that continued to resume for the very 2nd half of the year, my relationships with other fellow peeps of the group just went on and deteriorate and drifted apart, due to all these issues. Perhaps, even though we were friends for such a long time, the fact was that there were little understandings in these friendships and while I did carry much hopes in rebuilding friendships at the very end of the year, the word "Rebuilding" failed to materialise as once again, I felt I was getting out of place and getting left out in the cold. Though physically I was there, but I was just a face in the group. A face where no one really wanna knows and catches up more.

Looking back in this last year of the decade, my inner devilish weakness had came back to haunt me, soo much soo that there were too much destructions in friendships. Sometimes I really hate myself for not doing much human revolution, but what's the point of feeling soo much regrets and thinking of soo many possibilities of "What-ifs" when things had already happened ???

I really learned alot through this lesson and once again, I must say...

I definitely don't want such shitty things to happen again and I must strive on and fight for my happiness, my personal victories.

Dear friends, you might feel pissed once again if you all happen to read all this. But this was one of the biggest lessons which I had learned this year and after this, I definitely not want to mention it over and over again. Surely, I am moving on like what I am started doing now, and I will learn to be more optimistic and less emotional like I used to be. I won't expect how's our friendships will be like in the future; If there's enough good fortune and if there's fate, we definitely will be open to meet up and share our life stories in the future. And one last sentence...

Enjoy the Bangkok trip next year. I knew I might not be able to join you all.

Speaking of my studies path this year, it was a matter of self-realisation. Right at the start, I thought I could give myself another chance in pursuing ACCA, but I was wrong. With the very fact that I felt soo many regrets in my education path at a damn age of 23 and soo many never ending implications of "What-ifs" in mind. Probably, I could have made the best decision straight after my poly years and not felt soo wasted over my 2 years of NS where the luxury of doing part-time studies became such a waste of time and money.

Certainly, 2010 is the year when I must make my redemption in my studies, be it whether my path will be at SIM or NIE. I had enough of my wasted years and all these underachievements must be part of the motivations that spur me into achieving the greatness this time round.

I know this post of review is too long winded but all these unhappiness that occurred must be the reminders for the future. Histories must not be repeated over and over again while there's a long path of life for me to move on, and strive on, and win on.