2010

I normally will write the review of the year at the very last day of the year, but that's no point in writing that way. Especially when your year had promised so much, yet ended up nothing.

I could vividly remember how much resolutions and hopes I had put on for this year at the very end of 2009.

I could vividly remember how much I had prayed for and fought for throughout the year.

In the end, it doesn't even matter.

December 2010 just simply made December 2009 look more sweeter.

Certainly, there were some good times in the year... Such as involving in SYM and YOG, spending the best last part of working life before going back to school and rebuilding friendships that are lost in 2009.

I am grateful with all these... But they are never enough. No matter how much human revolution I had put in, bigger resolutions just failed to achieve at the very end.

Especially came after the fact that I lost my mum on 10/10/2010, I thought I can redeem something, be it studies, relationships or whatever for her. It's not just for her, it's also for myself, for everyone. Everyone, be it my father, my relatives, my friends, has been watching my growth, has been looking forward to see me scoring bigger victories in the year.

And considering the fact that I failed to score colourful results in my studies, failed to breakthrough in my relationships during her lifetime...

All I want to is to end the year on a positive note, after losing someone so close in your life. It's just so simple.

After a positive-looking and much happier November, the last month of 2010 was simply a joke, a cruel and awful joke. When everyone was celebrating their victories, in their faith and their personal lives, I have to face my own unhappiness and disappointments once again. And this despite the fact that I had put in abundant of prayers to make things right, and the right actions that I have done, making breakthroughs to get involve in things.

But they are never be enough, not always be enough.

Exam results did not reach my expectations when they were released at the beginning of December.

Looking back how I recover from the loss of a close kin which just took place just exactly 2 weeks before the exams...

Looking back how intensive the revisions were made alongside with fellow Uni friends in the libraries and Starbucks, and alone late in the night...

Looking back how much confidence I had attempted in the exam scripts even in the killer Marketing Principles...

Looking back how satisfied I am when I scored a Distinction in the Marketing project, Something I never really expected...

How I thought I can score to show the greatest actual proof in life so far, but they were just simply short of my expectations.

What I just wanna do is to show actual proof to my dad, who had been supporting me soo much for my education.

What I just wanna do is to show actual proofs to my cousin who took his O Levels this year, who is lacking in faith.

What I just wanna do is to show actual proofs to everyone around me... some might think I am underachieving. I am indeed underachieving.

Relationships wise, the vicious cycle of karma just came around and bite on me once more at this period of my life. You will never know how deep your karma is. I can't blame no one. I can only blame myself, for not having the destiny come right on my way and not accumulating those required good fortune in finding the right person. I thought she's the right person, someone who seems to click so well with you and seems suitable for you... But it's just merely a case of "so near yet so far". Once again, it's never meant to be.

She just simply got someone in mind right at the start. Everything seemed to be properly arranged in her life before I could do anything. Fate arranges for her to enter my new chapter of life, creates opportunities for me to know her with a better understanding, but there's not enough good fortune to be with her at the very end. I thought I can do something to give myself a chance, in the end things just never meant to be. I just hope she will be absolutely happy with the right person. I can only blame myself for not having the right destiny to know her even better and be with her.

All the unhappiness just came at the very last month of the year. Life can be such a joke. It can make you build hopes at the beginning of the year, enjoying some best days throughout and not bringing you to your resolutions and fulfill your hopes at the very end. As time goes by but you seem to be not achieving anything great and you are going to reach a quarter of the century, you can always say you have enough of all these shits, like you always do. And it's not that I have never try this time round.

But what's the point ?

England and Liverpool can have their worst year in memory, but that doesn't mean their supporter have to suffer the same way too.

Fuck 2010. I will definitely move on. It will take some times. Perhaps, I should not expect too much for 2011. The more we expect, the more we get disheartened and disappointed when things don't come in our way.

But how are we suppose to fight and breakthrough if we don't have expectations ?

Reunion

I am grateful at how things have eventually made a turnaround after more than one year.

It's really grateful and appreciated to see how old friendships can be rebuilt gradually.

Yet, at this very moment, I am met with yet another challenge in life. It's one biggest challenge since I entered University.

I can't elaborate much. I just hope things can turn out well... Even if premonitions may not be going my way right now.

Read again

I read this blog again and realise how stagnant my life is.

It seems that things are always the same, year after year.

It's not that I had never try hard.

The fact is, I had done whatever I can.

Perhaps, it's not always being the right time.

Perhaps, it's always the case of lacking the act of good fortune.

Second half of the year had seen more disappointments and unhappiness than joy.

The very last month.

I still gonna fight on despite having the slimmest of chances.

I just can't let happiness slipped away... This time round.

After some 4 months in exile

I can't believe I am writing my thoughts during these office hours... Perhaps time really passes soo slowly now.

It's been 4 months since I started writing again.

One semester of my new school life's gone just like that. At least it's looked better than before though... But I felt I could have done more.

Mum passed away on 10102010, just 2 weeks before the exams. We had been mentally prepared somehow, but it's been a sudden happening. I wish I can mention more about her some day.

Now I am back at PGP again during the holidays. Money is running out... And perhaps, time is running out. Speaking of it... Once again, we are staring at the end of the year, yet I am asking myself once again... How much resolutions set at the beginning of January 2010 have I actually achieved ? I can't hide the fact that I am somehow disappointed in my debut semester results, despite the fact that I had my most intensive revision in my life. Many things in life look soo stagnant and perhaps, bleak though.

Christmas is coming soon. Christmas is about hopes. But can hopes turn into reality eventually ?