Kieran's Year of Youth and DEFEAT ???

I wish I will never feel that way... but it's seems successive failures had forced me to feel that soo...

Or rather... the curse of "Once every 3 years will be a fucked up year"...

2003... Expecting the a brand new refreshing life of poly life but things were never meant to be...

2006... Expecting to round up the last of poly life with victories but successive UNhappiness from all sides of my life came by...

And now 2009...

Just when I thought I can pick up the positive notes, picking up those shattered pieces of life mounted by years of regrets and wrongful decisions, and start giving myself options on how to move on with life, most notably my education path, failure just came and made me lost out, most terribly, most humiliating, most embarrassing in a sport which I could have...at least, kept up my own standard level.

I could have played much, much, much better today. But things were never meant to be... and I deserved to keep up my own playing level like what I had used to do last year ! But why am I playing like how I played 5-6 years ago ??? Especially when I made much improvements in that sport ??? Especially when I need some self-confidence and pride back after those dark periods of feeling regrets and making the wrong decisions as well as feeling those inferiority???

Is karma trying to come back and bite my life, pushing me back to where I begin, like how it used to do on me ? Especially when I had a wonderful year before ?

I feel I deserved to be happy, creating values and victories in my life, just like anyone else out there.

现在怎样才能真正重拾我的自信心？？？

It supposed to be...

A fun-loving weekends since the (ill-fated) exams... going for Doris and Zheng Hsin's birthdays...going for SD Rufu run... going for 3 steps forward meeting... but things are not meant to be.

Never mind for others who had enjoyed themselves. But the inner inferiority and disappointments that had accumulated over that 7 years had let me DOWN... at the end of the day, 出门或不出门没差别...

I am grateful to fellow SSA comrades who had been showing concerns to me over these past few days since the exams...I am sorry to show everyone that black face of mine... I just can't elevate my life condition to participate with you all in all these joyous and fun occasions...

Sometimes I wish I can work more harder in my O levels and enter into a JC or a much better course in poly...

Sometimes I wish I can set my decision soo firm and work towards my goal when I was 16...

Sometimes I wish I can put studies infront rather than emoing over some one-sided relationship shit...

Sometimes i wish such negative (study, relationship and family) karma will not accumulate without being realised over 7 years...

Sometimes I wish I can turn back time... I really wish a scientist can invent time-machine for people like me to make amends...

But NO POINT OF WHAT-IFS and that's no bloody shit called Time-Machine !!!

Yes, everything happens for a reason... but such theory has been too costly for me !

I can't blame the likes of As and Ss who I used to like but no chance comes out of it...

I can't blame the way I was brought up...

I can't blame destiny and luck...

I have only myself to blame...

I HAVE ENOUGH !!!

Aftermath

From the moment the incompleted F3 paper due to the lack of time has ended, it seems that my pursuit of ACCA is over...

Or perhaps it spells the end of the old Chia Yiheng.

It just summarized all my karmas for my past lifetime.

Don't speak of my family karma that plagued me since 5... don't speak of my disappointment in PSLE... what I can say now is I could have planned my future much more wisely and much more determined at the age of 16...at the age of 17...at the age of 21.

Soo many "What-if" but what can I say ?

I can only say WRONG decisions of my educational path... WRONG focus in my life. I have paid the price for my laziness, my stupidity, my desperateness, my emoness, my childishness and my lack of ambition...in the end, nothing comes at both end...in my studies and my love life.

Dear friends, you can criticise me for being that DOWN... you can accuse me for not looking forward to the future... I know that's no use looking back and wondering... but HOW NOT TO when when soo many wrong decisions are made and they prove that costly ???

Soo what if I have worked soo hard for that SGT rank during NS but in the end NS is just a fucking waste of time and I continue to lose my respects from the peers ???

I may criticise how shit is Newcastle United in English football...but at the end of the day, I am nothing better than them...in terms of my personal achievements and victories.

Now what next...??? Pursuing a future in teaching chinese ? Signing on with the police force ? I just have to think seriously...

But right now, I have only myself to blame...and I don't deserve to love anyone......including her.