Review 2009: Part II

"说一声加油一切更美好, 所有的悲伤请往边靠...曾经流过的泪 湿了伤口就让阳光晒干而褪...这一种加油人人都需要, 手牵手我们一起赛跑, 说好不见不散每分每秒守候你到老..."

"给我力量 陪我闯荡 也许我们都不讲, 把爱留在 我的心上超越了太多梦想...时光匆忙 不曾遗忘,随时可以回头看 那些时光 你在身旁 给我的温暖..."

Dear Blog once again,

While there were serious setbacks that left me to ponder and made my reflections this year, there are indeed some positive highlights that drive me to move on further, and build on further in the very new year.

And yeah, this shall be the 150th post and the very last post I have written for 2009.

Afterall, this post is dedicated to all the resolutions that I have indeed achieved, and of course to the friends who's been there to give me some lights of hope, some encouragements, some useful life advices and some positive highlights that motivate me to strive on and build on for the future.

I may not have hit 70kg as I suggested and it was really pretty close, I gave myself a very bold challenge by taking part in the Standard Chartered Marathon this year and yes, it's a full marathon. Through those gruelling 6.5 hours, I managed to complete the route which I had never expected myself to complete. At the end of the day, a sense of achievement was there.

And still, I continue to hit the gym even though the number of times may be lesser this year and I am no longer a member of California Fitness.

After those first 2.5 months of searching and challenging through my prayers, I managed to land a finance-related job at one of the hostels at NUS. It was quite a good fortune as it was a normal office-hour weekday job that enabled me to go out for Gakkai activities and of course, expanding my social circle in the working environment.

It was indeed a good fortune to know these perm colleagues as well as the temp colleagues of mine and although I might see the darkest times of my life during my working life, I do enjoy working along with them. But well, forgive me if I did being emo in those initial days and of course, there's alot of human revolution for me to do and create more values in this working life.

Words might be cheap, and I must really pray as well as taking the necessary actions for the best things to happen !

Besides my dear colleagues, the bond with ITACSD continue to grow stronger, same goes to fellow comrades from Sengkang Zone. I am truly grateful that fellow comrades like to name a few... KD, Weijian, Stella and Benjamin are there not only to give encouragements and supports with each other, but also sharing those times of crapz and joys lol. While there were farewells from Shihan(Now he's back...) and Jocelyn for their overseas studies, friendships never died down with the efforts to make long distance contacts over the past months.

Faith-wise, I chant very harder for the wisdom, actions and good fortune to attain victories in my life as well as for prayers to be answered like what I am currently doing now. Despite my somehow poor life condition in many months of the year, I continue to go for SSA activities and contribute for notably both ITAC-SD and Sengkang Zone. And yes, I can't wait to go back to Hougang to contribute my efforts for the revived Discussion meetings starting next month. It's been such a long time exile for district meetings due to the outbreak of H1N1 in the year.




And of course, I managed to get-to-know a few Japanese friends through the Student Division-SUJ exchange early this year, I shall send my regards to them once again since it's been months that I last contacted them via email. Meanwhile, the group C5 of NDP 2008 continued to have gatherings like the very recent Christmas. Thanks Lina and WK for making the efforts to keep the friendships made during NDP 2008 going !

Speaking of my polymates, I did mention before that for the entire 2008, I hardly seen them. But this time round, I was able to do quite a number of catch-ups with them. And of course, the drinking drinking nite at Ziliang's wedding.

Worth to mention that I do appreciate the friendships with some of the NS mates even though it's been a year since ORD. They are nice lads whom you can share many of the things with and they are willing to lend their listening ears. And of course, Samm, one of the close friends from those BRTC days. Though he's gone to US to pursue his studies on his beloved cooking, he's one of the few guys who's direct enough to point out my flaws and gives out necessary means of advices in order for me to grow, to breakthrough and to be more AWESOME.

Meanwhile, there are few Secondary School guys whom I still in contact with. At least we's been taking initiatives to catch-up with each others and showing support through online, though it's been such a long time since we manage to meet up.

Despite some major setbacks that struck me in this very past year, these friendships played an important role in my life this year. In the new year to come, let's prolong all these friendships and led them to greater understandings and greater bonds; It's always been a part of my resolutions every year that I must keep good friendships to their very best. Of course, in our each and every daily life, let's strive on ahead and produce individual victories in our own lives. We definitely will have our each individual victory report to share at the end of the year.(Just to let you all know I am also going to meet ex colleagues who were also attachment students during my industrial attachment at Micron almost 4 years ago. It was surprising but I am very grateful that few of them have initiated it and I am looking forward to make alot of catch-ups with them.)

Besides friendships and work and my personal fitness, I also been saving as much money as I can in order to save for the future, especially for my school life starting in somewhere middle of next year. With a stable income at the current moment, I ought to save as much as I can. And well, there's other things which I try to do for this year but little efforts were made... Such as taking care of my SSA members and arranging more homevisits, as well as learning driving. In the new year, I definitely must keep myself occupied and create more values!

And yes, there are SSA Youth Musical(SYM) and ambassador role for the Youth Olympics Games to look forward to... and of course, school.

Bye Bye 2009 ! Hello 2010 !

Review 2009: Part I

"放手说真的不难...心碎, 该怎么计算?"

Dear Blog,

I know I had been retelling my story, my unhappiness for at least 6 months or soo. But this shall be the very last time that I have to recall my troubles since it's at the very end of 2009 and it's a time that I make a self-reflection and move on from here.

Right from the beginning of the year, I felt I was at the very best with the closest clique of Sec Sch friends; Friendships had prolonged and becoming closer especially during the NS days... and I did remember how I blogged and felt blessed about it almost exactly one year ago. (http://i-kieran-yiheng.blogspot.com/2008/12/2nd-last-day-of-year.html)

Yes, back then friendships with them were at the very best, and eventually some few of us went Hong Kong together at my very birthday month. This was the very first time going such an further overseas trip with friends besides going to Malaysia. While these 10 years of friendships were such in good terms, feelings started to grow for one of them in the group. At this point of time, I don't wish to mention any names. She might hate me more than she is now.

Ok... Perhaps afterall, we were at two different class of life, but I did regard her as a good friend in my social circle. I could still remember it was on the burning weekend of mass check-in at PGP during May, that she shared her problems and unhappiness over something she had encountered, and I tried my utmost best to encounter her and showed her my support, even though at that point of time, I might have limited words to cheer her up. Other than that particular incident, we had been chatting over online, catching up with each other even though we did not meet up for those few months since the HK trip.

However, things were not meant to be when I was having my troubles in my studies. I shall not elaborate what happened in my studies life as for now (I will mention it later.) but that's the point of time, that my emotions started to boil and I started to hate myself and feeling regret for being underachieving in my studies over the years. I began to feel inferior and getting myself out of place from this group of friends, and that's the bloody devilish function that told me that I need more concern from this female friend of mine.

In some occasions, I felt that I was being neglected by this closest clique of mine; It just seemed that's not much for me to share with them, and that's not much for them to talk to me. I started to feel that friendships started to feel distant apart, especially hers. I started to think "why we are not hanging out much often like we do after the trip?"... Afterall, we were quite KTV kakis during those heydays in 2008. Sorry, I just really can't control my emotions and feelings and yes, that's no need a particular reason for you to fall in love with someone. I was totally wrong, totally wrong.

Those wrongs eventually evolved when I decided to email her and spoke of my feelings in the online letter. Yes, I should have appreciated the things she replied to me... But I did not. Afterall, my deadly thinking was that: "I know I not gonna to be with you, but I want to be your best friend, a platonic best male friend."

I failed to take things easily. Eventually, there were times that it seemed I "confronted" her rather than having a good chat online. Those very few times really pissed her off, and I tried to engage a dialogue with her via phone. She declined it and claimed that she had made it clear. Well, afterwhich I decided to let things cooled down but things continued to deteriorate no thanks to my wrong moves in handling this situation.

Why do I say they are wrong moves? Well, at the boiling point of my troubles, I had mentioned and shared this particular problem with few friends in the clique, but the thing was... It seems I had mentioned the wrong things to the wrong people. In an indirect way, I had further pissed her more as she was getting distracted and annoyed by this self-inflicted karma of mine.

The worst thing came when someone from the very same school and yet not close to us, uttering nonsense on her facebook profile. Yes, just a few sentence of words were deadly enough for me to be ostracized from her cyberworld. I admitted that I felt like dying when such deadly scenes occurred.

While the storm and the cold war after that continued to resume for the very 2nd half of the year, my relationships with other fellow peeps of the group just went on and deteriorate and drifted apart, due to all these issues. Perhaps, even though we were friends for such a long time, the fact was that there were little understandings in these friendships and while I did carry much hopes in rebuilding friendships at the very end of the year, the word "Rebuilding" failed to materialise as once again, I felt I was getting out of place and getting left out in the cold. Though physically I was there, but I was just a face in the group. A face where no one really wanna knows and catches up more.

Looking back in this last year of the decade, my inner devilish weakness had came back to haunt me, soo much soo that there were too much destructions in friendships. Sometimes I really hate myself for not doing much human revolution, but what's the point of feeling soo much regrets and thinking of soo many possibilities of "What-ifs" when things had already happened ???

I really learned alot through this lesson and once again, I must say...

I definitely don't want such shitty things to happen again and I must strive on and fight for my happiness, my personal victories.

Dear friends, you might feel pissed once again if you all happen to read all this. But this was one of the biggest lessons which I had learned this year and after this, I definitely not want to mention it over and over again. Surely, I am moving on like what I am started doing now, and I will learn to be more optimistic and less emotional like I used to be. I won't expect how's our friendships will be like in the future; If there's enough good fortune and if there's fate, we definitely will be open to meet up and share our life stories in the future. And one last sentence...

Enjoy the Bangkok trip next year. I knew I might not be able to join you all.

Speaking of my studies path this year, it was a matter of self-realisation. Right at the start, I thought I could give myself another chance in pursuing ACCA, but I was wrong. With the very fact that I felt soo many regrets in my education path at a damn age of 23 and soo many never ending implications of "What-ifs" in mind. Probably, I could have made the best decision straight after my poly years and not felt soo wasted over my 2 years of NS where the luxury of doing part-time studies became such a waste of time and money.

Certainly, 2010 is the year when I must make my redemption in my studies, be it whether my path will be at SIM or NIE. I had enough of my wasted years and all these underachievements must be part of the motivations that spur me into achieving the greatness this time round.

I know this post of review is too long winded but all these unhappiness that occurred must be the reminders for the future. Histories must not be repeated over and over again while there's a long path of life for me to move on, and strive on, and win on.

Top 10: Movies and TV Dramas of 2009

The last installment of my top 10 series, while I am not really a movie-lover, Hong Kong TVB dramas dominated the entire drama list.

Movies

5) Star Trek

Surprise entry to my list. While I am more towards the franchise of Star Wars, the latest movie of the Star Trek franchise which seemed like a remake, had a good storyline plot with exciting and dynamic fighting scenes.

4) Red Cliff Part 2 (赤壁2)

The 2nd part of the movie which hit the screens in the early months of the year. It was where the main battle of Red Cliff took place... The movie which had the all star cast of Takeshi Kaneshiro, Tony Leung and Lin-Chiling never disappoint us though.

3) X-Men Origins: Wolverine

The prequel which told the story of Wolverine. It was one of the must-watch shows besides Transformers.


2) (500) Days of Summer

Another surprise entry in my list... I went to catch this movie with fellow ITAC peeps after our Friday's TGIF session. It told the story about a guy's relationship with a girl named Summer, the process of being together, getting hurt after the break, getting the disappointments after the girl had engaged and then the process of moving on. It was quite a meaningful show for guys like me.

1) Transformers 2: Revenge of the fallen

The movie of the year... What's more can I say?

Television Dramas: A year of watching too many TVB dramas...

5) Heart of Greed (溏心风暴）

The show had 2 reruns in Singapore on Channel 55 and Channel 8 respectively and still, it was worth a mention in the list. The no.1 drama in Hong Kong in 2007 while its sequel was the top in 2008...

4) Your class or mine (尖子攻略）

A drama about a youth football club trying to reach the top football division in Hong Kong while their best players vying to work hard and score for their O-Levels equivalent. While its theme was football, it reflected alot about the importance of education, something I had self-realised alot for the year. Worth to mention that this 2008 production's featuring Sheren Tang(邓萃雯), the best actress in the HK television industry for this year.

3) A journey called life (金石良缘)

A very meaningful drama, and it's one of the factors which inspired me to take part in a marathon at the very end of the year. It's about not giving up hopes in life despite how much adversities and unhappiness we may encounter.

2) E.U. (学警狙擊）

The only 2009's drama that's on my list (Too bad, I seldom rent the latest TVB dramas.)

While it's the 3rd installment of the police series (Previous being The Academy(学警雄心) and On the first beat(学警出更)), the show brought a certain Laughing Gor to fame. Michael Tse(谢天华), whose was first known as a sidekick in the Gu Wah Zai series, finally got his name after some long years as a supporting actor, even though Laughing Gor was a supporting role. In fact, through the show, Laughing Gor made too many sacrifices, especially his youthful years, to become an undercover for the police to nab the triad.

Will you dare to make such sacrifices in order to do something good ?

1) Moonlight Resonance (溏心风暴之家好月园)

Yesh... I am late but it's definitely the best show I had watched this year. The sequel to Heart of Greed though it had a much different storyline with the same cast. It told a story how a mother who was dumped by her husband some 12 years ago, managed to bring united together her children and won her husband back through her sincerity and actions, while the villianess who was the 3rd party to the marriage, tried her scheming ways to break the family up.

Worth to mention that the sub-theme song for the show, sang by Raymond Lam, was in my top 10 list for the songs of the year.

PS: There were many solid shows in Hong Kong in 2009, most notably Rosy Business(巾幗梟雄) and Beyond The Realm of Conscience(宮心計), too bad I never took time to watch. I shall catch them in the new year to come.

Top 10: Songs of 2009

Once again, it's been another good year of learning, listening and singing some great new songs. Meanwhile, it's also a year of touching more into Cantopop. Here's my top 10 of the year...

10) 辛福不灭(Happiness not destroyed) by 罗志祥(Show Luo)

Worth a mention about this song. One of the sub-theme songs for 2008's Taiwanese basketball drama "Hotshot"(篮球火). As the words in the song suggested, it's about loving someone and wishing her happiness despite she's with someone else. Quite a meaningful song with great melody. Love is about giving and wishing the person's happiness, despite not the one for her.

"Cause I believe那幸福不灭的定律, 你的手心不一定要由我握紧; 就像恒星总会有发光的原因... Oh I believe 你值得被珍惜, 也值得我放弃..."

9) 别怪她(Don't blame her) by 吴卓羲(Ron Ng)

It's a old song, especially when it's the sub song for 2005's TVB blockbuster "Revolving Doors of Vengeance" (酒店风云). I fall for this song once again when the drama started its rerun once again. (And it's on rerun once more at this hour on Channel 55), It's always the song besides the oldies "一生不变" for the pair in the serial, acted by Ron Ng and one of my favourite HK actress, Ella Koon(官恩娜).

8) 如果我便成回忆(When I become a memory) by Tank

Tank is back with this nice song... This year was the year when I had became a memory in some people's hearts...... but I shall gonna create more memories with the rest of the friends in the new year to come and beyond...

7) 失落沙洲(Missing desert) by 徐佳莹(Lala Hsu)

Part of the chorus was posted here not too long ago... Marvellous vocal by Lala Hsu while it seems hard to sing on KTV. Another song which accompanied my time in these closing months of the year.

6) 爱不疚(Love with no regrets) by 林峰(Raymond Lam)

Sub theme song for TVB's blockbuster "Moonlight Resonance"(家好月圆); It's another song about letting go.

"这种恋爱太罕有, 不须真正拥有...成全衷心祝福然后就放手..."

5) 带我走(Take me away) by 杨丞琳(Rainie Yang)

It's the best ever song soo far by Rainie Yang... I love the lyrics too.

4) 寂寞，好了(Loneliness, is cured) by 蔡旻佑(Evan Yo)

From Evan Yo's 3rd album, it's another song which best described things that happened this year, I definitely wanna move on.

"一个人 你害怕吗 细数过漫天星光 说好永远不分开多假 多假......多假让记忆长出翅膀飞翔, 心放空了, 寂寞好了..."

3) 搞笑(Funny) by Alan Luo

A song best known for its number of kissing scene in its Music Video between Alan Luo and Alice Tzeng (曾恺玹). It's been a good song with its MV plot... Once more, the song somehow speaks of my love life until now.

"我在搞笑 藉着热闹掩盖着心跳; 边哭边笑 偏要说着一个人真好; 当人群散了 突然觉得我可以死掉 我受不了; 还在搞笑 害怕回家 不知怎麽熬; 这麽多年早就习惯有你的撒娇 我想我能熬 但是至少要让我知道你好不好..."

2) 妥协(Compromise) by 蔡依林(Jolin Tsai)

After Pretence(假装) in 2006 and One person(一个人) in 2007, my no.1 female artiste came back with a new album and a latest sobby love song this year. And yes, history's been repeating and I am really tired.

"爱到妥协, 到头来还是无解...绑着你不让你飞, 历史不断重演我好累..."

1) 爱在记忆中找你(Love in the memory searching for you) by Raymond Lam

My review has stated in the previous post for the top 10 songs for the decade(http://i-kieran-yiheng.blogspot.com/2009/12/top-10-my-favourite-songs-of-decade.html), it's definitely my song of the year, especially after the things that has struck an impact in the life. Meanwhile, I can share that I did perform this song during the cultural night for ITAC institution meeting.

"前事最怕有人提起, 就算怎么伸尽手臂, 我们亦有一些距离..."

Top 10: My grown up christmas list

Not in any particular order...

1) Redeem myself in my studies next year.

I definitely wanna do well with flying colours when I go back school in the 2nd half of the year, especially after such a decade of underachievements and disappointments.

2) Create friendships, Build friendships, (Continue to) Grow Friendships (and not lose friendships.)

3) Liverpool to win Europa League and FA Cup next year. AC Milan to win Champions League and Italian Serie A next year. England to win World Cup next year. (And to be able to enjoy watching World Cup next year.)

4) To catch F1 Singapore Grand Prix LIVE... And yes, Michael Schumacher will be here.

"I'll be back."

5) To have the opportunities to travel around... Be it Hong Kong, Bangkok or Taipei.

6) Financial Freedom !

7) Personal self-grooming... Get more nice clothings !

8) Be more opportunistic... Be more hardworking... Be more friendly... Take more initiatives...

9) World Peace & economics to become better and better... Family & friends to be happy and healthy.

10) The special one. (Alright, I definitely wanna overcome this vicious relationship karma of mine by polishing myself up.)

Top 10: Memorable football matches I had watched for the past decade

The past decade produced many legends, as well as many up-and-coming superstars such as Messi, Cristiano Ronaldo and Kaka. Not to mention football matches in my viewing memories...

10) Singapore 1 Manchester United 8 (Friendly 2001)

Although a pre-Raddy Avramovic half-hearted Singapore team was humiliated totally and Manchester United was not my beloved team, it was worth a mention in the list as it was the first football match I had attended which featured a top European club. By the way, Liverpool also played a friendly here in the same summer yet its price was a little steep for a then Sec 3 student like me. The student price for the Man U match ticket back then was just S$10 (Excluding Sistic charge)... I can't remember who were the scorers for United back then but I knew Beckham and the major signing back then, Ruud Van Nistelrooy did enter the scoresheet. Meanwhile, we were in raptures as Indra Sahdan equalized for the Lions before they gobbled 7 more goals.

9) Juventus 3 Real Madrid 1 (UEFA Champions League 2002/03 Semi-Finals 2nd leg)

I hoped Real Madrid got knocked out and my wish got granted. Back then, the Spanish Giants had started building their very first batch of Galacticos with the likes of Zidane, Figo and the newly signed Ronaldo (Yeah...The fat one, not the current benglish one), as Florentino Perez planned for a massive European domination having won the European title the previous season. Real was leading 2-1 going into the 2nd leg match, but Trezeguet and Del Piero netted for the Turin side in the first half before Pavel Nedved finished them off with a wondering goal in the 2nd half. During the process, Buffon also stopped a spotkick from Figo while Nedved got a yellow card which ruled him out of the final. While Zidane did manage to pull one back against his former club, it was not enough as Juventus would set up a highly anticipating yet boring all-Italian final with AC Milan.

8) Singapore 0 Liverpool 5 (Friendly 2009)

It was the latest match in the list and do view this link for my review.

http://i-kieran-yiheng.blogspot.com/2009/07/youll-never-walk-alone.html

7) AC Milan 3 Manchester United 0 (UEFA Champions League 2006/07 Semi-Finals 2nd leg)

United got a narrow 3-2 in the 1st leg at Old Trafford. However, they were simply outplayed at San Siro in the very repeat of the 2004/05 clash. Goals from Kaka, Seedorf and Gilardino sealed the win and Milan would face Liverpool in the repeat of the 2005 classic. And yes, Milan will be facing United once again next year in the 2nd round clash.

Welcome back, Becks. And please help the Rosseneri to yet another win once again.

6) Germany 1 England 5 (2002 FIFA World Cup Qualifiers, 2001)

Disappointment as England failed to win a major trophy in the past decade, but this classic against their arch rivals was definitely their very best in the decade. The Germans took the lead at Munich, but England bounced back and wiped them off with a then young and fit Michael Owen's hattrick. It was also mentioned that the English scorers were from Liverpool. Stevie G and Heskey were also on the scoresheet. While Gerrard would go on to become the respectable and favourable captain of the Reds, a very injury-prone Owen would move from the Galacticos, to the Geordies, and then to the bitter rivals, Manchester United, and Heskey would move on to smaller clubs and yet played an important role to his teams.

Meanwhile, with this scoreline, England would qualify for the World Cup Finals in Asia automatically without facing yet another playoff round.

5) France 1 Italy 1 (Italy won 5-3 on penalties kick. -- 2006 FIFA World Cup Final)

It was not the best World Cup final... Yet it would always be remembered for Zidane's headbutt on Materazzi in his very last football match as a player.

Not really the hottest favourites for the title, yet the Italians went all the way to victory though they may be in some controversial circumstances, such as their 2nd round match against the Australians. Meanwhile, they did have a wonderful performance as they beat the German hosts by 2 g0als. With the reclaimed 4th world title, they brought smiles back to Italian football in a year where it was plagued by a match-fixing scandal.

4) Liverpool 1 AC Milan 2 (UEFA Champions League 2007 Final)

Once again, 2 of my beloved European teams faced off each other in the final at Athens. Filippo Inzaghi, a then 34 year old veteran striker -- offside king as some fans have named -- opportunist in terms of scoring goals -- a footballer who's a certified accountant, netted both for Milan and there's no comeback this time round for the Reds. Dirk Kuyt scored late in the game.

Meanwhile, I was proud that both teams were in the final once again. It won't be happen again this time though as Liverpool was out from the group stage.

3) Singapore 2 Indonesia 1 (ASEAN Football Championship Final 2nd leg)

Then known as Tiger Cup, I was at the National Stadium in a sea of red to witness the national team's first international title victory at home soil. The lions had captured a 3-1 win in Jakarta and hopes were getting high. Victory was sealed when Indra Sahdan and Agu Casmir netted in the first half, while the atmosphere was indeed marvellous.

Here, we had hardly see such a scene since the Lions pulled out from the neighbouring domestic competitions.

2) Manchester United 1 Liverpool 4 (English Premier League 2008/09 season)

It was indeed the sweetest victory against the bitter rivals. Though last season was the case of "winning the battle, yet lose the war."

Who will expect the Reds to beat United at Old Trafford, not 1 goal, 2 goal, but 4 goals ?

I do remember who were the scorers for Liverpool that night.

Torres...

Gerrard...

Even Aurelio and Dossena...

1) Liverpool 3 AC Milan 3 (Liverpool won 3-2 on penalties - UEFA Champions League 2004/05 Final)

It was indeed the most classic match in the history of European football. And of course, 2 of my beloved teams created such classic.

A match that inspired everyone not to give up but to believe that we can overcome any defying odds.

A match which I would view it on youtube now and then.

3-0 down in the 1st half. The Reds were in dejected mood on the pitch, while the fans continued to sing and believe...

In a space of about 8 minutes, Liverpool pulled 3 goals back from Gerrard, Smicer and Alonso... While defending well enough from the threats of Shenvchenko and Kaka. Dudek's imitation of Globelaar's act in 1984 final was well enough to seal a 3-2 victory on spot kicks.

The European trophy's finally back to Anfield after 21 long years.

Top 5: "What-If" moments of the decade

5) What if I was given a Pes B status instead of Pes C during my pre-NS medical check up ?

Due to my skin condition, I was given a PES C status and enlisted into SCDF for my National Service.

Had I not declared my medical condition, would I be undergoing my BMT training at Pulau Tekong or Home Team Academy rather than BRTC @ Jalan Bahar ? Or if I were still under SCDF, would I have posted to ERS instead ? Would I have posted to NSPD, meeting some nice friends yet also meeting some losers who built their happiness on others' pains ? Would the birthday incident be prevented 2 years ago ? Would I have awaken from my physical weakness and strived hard to pass my IPPT and eventually promoted to a SGT rank ? Would I start gyming along the way ? Would I go to a vocation which had a office hour timing and allowed me to go for part-time studies ? Would I have made such a mistake of choices in terms of my studies ?

4) What if I have took A-Levels as a private candidate during my 2 years of NS ?

This question is related to pointer no. 5. As my poly GPA score really sucks, I could only be eligible for private degree studies in Singapore. But what if I had given myself more options to myself when I learned that I was able to go for night classes during NS? What if I have took up a bold challenge by taking A-Levels subjects in order to get myself into local universities such as NUS, NTU or SMU ? Something I have never attempted before ?

Had I strive extremely hard and attempted A-Levels, would I have achieved good results that were good enough for me to enter a desired course in the local universities ? Would I be studying at NUS now rather than working at NUS now ? Would I be sharing the same hall room with one of my best poly friends, Choon Yan at NTU and enjoying the best school life over there ? Would I be feeling regretful about my studies this year, soo much soo that my emotions had taken over me and caused some 10 year friendships to an end ?

3) What if I could have done my human revolution in terms of handling my emotions of liking someone?

For the past ten years, I had only one-sided relationships, while many of these had ended up in a sorry state. Part of the reasons attributed to my control of feelings, where I could not handle my feelings and being over sensitive when it came to my love life. Unfortunately, history repeated once again this year.

If I could have been myself, would I still be in good friendships terms with these female friends over these years? Would this friend of mine be my KTV kakis at this hour? Would my friendships with this Secondary School clique still in as least talking terms or even better? Would I have been achieving bigger things in my life, such as studies? Would I have finally found that special one ?

2) What if I did not take up faith in 2003 and take part in SSA activities ?

This year was my 6th year practising Nichiren Daishonin Buddhism and my 5th year since enshrining the Gohonzon. Despite there were unhappy things around, I did manage to improve myself bit by bit through practising as well as getting to know many friends along the way. And yes... There were good fortunes flowing in my life since taking up faith.

Indeed, Taking up faith and getting myself involved in Soka activities did change my life. Had I not practising Buddhism and starting chanting for my happiness and victories, would I have push myself forward rather than staying in pessimism, especially what had happened in this year? Would I have made my self-realisation on my studies and in fact my life? Would I be more open up and taking initiatives to widen my social circle? Would I have get to know and forge friendships with fellow Gakkai comrades from Hougang Zone to Sengkang Zone, from NPSD to ITACSD? Would I have taken part in 3 National Day Parades, contributing to the national celebration of the country and widen my social circle ? Would I have taken up volunteering role for the Youth Olympics next year with SSA?

The list of questions just go on...

These memories in recent years... Would I have them if I did not take up faith at the 1st place?

1) What if I had gone more mature, study harder and do much better in my O-Levels ?

Like the 2nd point, the implications of this are never-ending. If I could have grown up and think of my future carefully rather than putting myself more focus in some one-sided relationship, would I had scored better in my prelims and spent my first 3 months in a junior college rather than working some part-time retail jobs during that period? Would I have gone to a junior college and enlisted into NS earlier than before in 2005? Or would I have gone to a polytechnic but taking a better course which I truly loved? Would I have got to know my polymates in this lifetime? Would I have found the right person in a JC or a better course in polytechnic? Would I have achieved greater results in A-Levels or in polytechnic en route to a local university? Would these Secondary School friends think more highly of me? Would I still take up faith in the years after taking O-Levels?

Top 10: My favourite songs of the decade (2000 - 2009)

As we welcome the next decade, here's my list of my yearly favourite songs of the first decade of the new millennium.

2000 - This I promise you by *N-Sync

The very heydays of the boyband era, in a time when I tend to listen to english pop more than chinese pop... And this song will always be one of my wedding songs.

2001 - All or Nothing by O-Town

Remember this reality TV programme "Making the band" ? This boyband emerged from this show but unfortunately, All or Nothing was being their one hit wonder. O-Town disbanded after their 2nd album in 2003, however this one particular hit did play on my mp3 player at times.

2002 - 安静(Silence) by 周杰伦(Jay Chou)

From the early days of this talented and versatile Asian superstar's career, it was at the time that I started to listen to chinese music, thanks to him. While it was that year that I started to listen many of his songs, this particular KTV chart topper was the most favourite among his songs back then.

2003 - 只有我(Only me) by Energy

It was my darkest year of the decade and this song truly accompanied my life. Even until now when I had new fresh of struggles, this song is one song which I will hit on my player. By the way, this particular song was one of the last for a 5-member Energy. Toro left the band the very same year.

2004 - May I love you by 张智成(Z Chen)

Typical chart-topper in KTVs... This song had always somehow related to my feelings, my life.

"Love you love you... May I love you, tell me what to do?"

2005 - 枫(Maple) by Jay Chou

Its MV was the first part of a storyline. (The second part of the story was the MV of 刘耕宏's 彩虹天堂) Another one in the KTV picklist back then when I started go singing more often...

2006 - 北极星的眼泪(Tears of the polaris) by 张栋梁(Nicholas Teo)

One of the all-time hits in my charts... Another song which accompanied my later days in a somehow-disappointing 2006. Well, this song well suited to the current friendship issues I have now.

"明天 或许来不及变, 但曾经走过的昨天越来越远... 北极星的眼泪 说不出的想念, 原来我们活在两个世界..."

2007 - 一个人(One person) by 蔡依林(Jolin Tsai)

One good hit by Jolin Tsai, while there are quite a number of nice songs such as Mistakes after mistakes（错了再错）, I don't know how to sing(我不会唱歌) and I am not compatible(我不配) by Nicholas Teo, Show Luo Zhi Xiang and Jay Chou respectively...

2008 - 小丑鱼(Little clown fish) by 罗志祥(Show Luo)

This was a old song considering it was being released in 2004 rather than 2008, yet it's another song that spells my times in the pursue of love. This song portraits the struggles of a guy when he's trying to hold on his feelings for a girl, while continuing to build the friendships.

"lady lady one more try, 再试着了解我的爱...发不出声音的感慨, 选择做朋友的无奈..."

2009 - 爱在记忆中找你(Love in the memory searching for you) by 林峰(Raymond Lam)

Yes...another outdated song considering it was released in 2007 as the sub theme song of TVB drama's The drive of life(岁月风云), it was the only cantonese song in the top 10 list. While because of this song that I started to listen more from Raymond Lam as well as other Hong Kong artistes, it definitely portraits yet another relationship/friendship struggles in my life this year. Of course, this issue was the biggest mistakes I had learnt this year... Something which things will never be the same again.

"前事最怕有人提起, 就算怎么伸尽手臂, 我们亦有一些距离..."

The first week without them

Moving on is a process that is easier to be said than done. It is even harder when the ones whom you had fallen out with were the closest friends of all. Nevertheless, I gotta be less emo and looking forward to more things in my life. Afterall, emotions played a huge factor that resulted in those silly damages in these long friendships.

What is meant to be, it will mean to be. Everything happens for a reason.

I completed my first marathon in my lifetime in 6.5 hours. It's a kind of self-achievement and kinda surprise to complete it as there's not much trainings leading to the marathon. Definitely, I will rally more people in joining me for marathons, be it Standard Chartered or Adidas Sundown.

Work's been fulfilling, challenging and great after the start of the mass-checkout period. All along, I have great company with my fellow colleagues, plus the return of the few temp staffs. However, I have been making silly mistakes in my work these days and need to more organize in my workload as always. Well, I definitely wanna create values at PGP before I resume my studies next year.

I started to exert myself into gakkai activities even more this week. I went for Lynette's dad's funeral last Tuesday. Upon hearing her dad's testimonial on how he struggled and fought his illness bravely in his lifetime, I realised that comparing to his fight against his illness, my problems is absolutely nothing! Went for TGIF meeting with ITAC last Friday, i have been missing the TGIF meetings though. We engaged in a dialogue for an interesting topic, as well as making plans of outings in the near future. Meanwhile, yesterday I went for my first training for the Soka Youth Musical. Although my role was just a minor role carrying the sedan chair for Toda Sensei, I feel proud to be part of the cast. Of course, a minor role also plays an important part in the musical.

Finally, I managed to catch with few of my pri sch mates, Qiaolin and Chuanxiong, for a KTV session over the weekdays. Although there were only 3 of us, it was quite a enjoyable session, although my singing form on that day really sucks. I wish there are more of us coming for such simple gatherings in the future. During the KTV session, I was being informed via phone with regards to the first Youth Olympics volunteers briefing for SSA members. I am really looking forward to be volunteering at the inaugural YOG, contributing to the hostings by the nation as well as meeting people from fellow volunteers to the young athletes throughout the world. My temp colleagues are joining YOG with their schools too.

I arranged for a dinner with Choonyan and Waihong after my SYM training. Along the way while waiting for the guys, I bumped into the poly girls, Dejun, SK, Zhilan and Linda, and decided to have the dinner together. It was quite value for money to have the steamboat session at Crystal Jade at Plaza Singapura, while it's been quite a good catch-up as it's been quite some time since I last saw the girls.

I have been listening to 失落沙洲 by 徐佳莹. This song, like other recent songs that I have been hearing, somehow explains my present feelings and present situation.

"我不是一定要你回来, 只是当又一个人看海; 回头才发现你不在, 留下我迂回的徘徊; 不是一定要你回来, 只是当又把回忆翻开; 除了你之外的空白, 还有谁能来教我爱..."

2009...A hardest lesson learnt.

I should have been mentally prepared that they will lambast back on me the moment I broke my personal feelings out to them.

I should have been mentally prepared that they will definitely ostracized me the moment I broke my personal feelings out to them.

At the start, it was all my fault... for not controlling my emotions and for being over-sensitive once again.

And now... 6 months had gone and when there's not enough understandings between me and them, it's time to move on.

Moving on is something which is easier said than done. Furthermore, the more these people are closer to me, the harder the process of moving on will take. But up to this point, I am desperate, desperate need to.

2009 is not really a bad year though, yet there's a hardest lesson learnt. I have enough of myself commiting mistakes in friendships over and over again. Right now, I need a completely new life, something that I must work on. I will like to establish close and strong friendships with other present friends and any other new friends which I may meet in the next phase of my life, and I must NEVER commit the same mistakes again.

Kieran Chia Yiheng, you must overcome all these karma ONCE and for all, please do your human revolution each day, push harder to achieve your goals (especially your studies) and show ACTUAL PROOF to those who have doubted and misunderstand you !!!

There's no point for me to be emotional anymore.

Does that spell the end of a decade ?

I wish I do not expect things to turn better.

At the end of the day, there's nothing for me to talk about, there's nothing for me to share about. Despite the fact that how much I had overcome in my life for the past half year, how much plans I have to move forward ahead in the new year...

I am just feeling more and more out of place in this clique. They just failed to seek any further understandings from me perhaps. The distances of friendships just had already been drifted apart continue to stay stagnant and perhaps continue to go wide apart. I am just a face in the group perhaps.

Dear friends of 10 years, I am not complaining. I guess... I fail to overcome myself in front of you all. When things don't turn out what I expect, what I hope for.... deep down I was disappointed. Perhaps I should be disappointed in myself, disappointed with the fact that my emotions had ruined some friendships that had gone on better and better in recent years.

And last evening once again, I had failed to break the ice with a friend whom I should have only thought of friendships and nothing else in the recent past.

Thanks for everything, especially those recent memories, those singing session, those manjong session, those makan session and the overseas trip not too long ago.

http://i-kieran-yiheng.blogspot.com/2008/12/2008thanks-for-memories.html

I don't know when will I ever see you all again. As for my decision to defer my studies to July, I will definitely make plans for myself and create values in life in the coming 1st half of the new year, besides continue to work at PGP to earn more income.

If I ever see you all again, will you all see the difference in me ? A new set of struggles may come ahead in my life, but I definitely wanna make a difference for myself, becoming a better person each day and attaining victories after victories in my life.

January 2010 or July 2010 ?

I had received my enrollment offer into RMIT University - Business Management at SIM for the January 2010 intake. Yet currently, I was stucked in a dilemma of whether I should proceed to accept the offer or delaying my studies to the July 2010 intake instead. These days, certain factors have been surfaced which made me considering that I should delay my studies by 6 months instead. Here's the advantaging factors of both choices:

January 2010 Intake

The age factor

Next year I will be turning 24 and by the time I complete my 3 year studies, I will be going to be around 26-27.

Social life factor

Yes, it's true that I can't wait to make new classmates and establishing new friendships in my next level of higher education, especially after those self-inflicted conflicts with my some of Secondary School friends this year which I felt at this current moment, the future to these friendships still look soo bleak. While I do cherish my friendships with my fellow SSA comrades, NS mates, polymates and PGP colleagues, those memories of going KTV and playing manjong with these Secondary School friends had been a great loss.

July 2010 Intake

The Money and job factor

Though it could be a delay of 6 months, but that doesn't mean I will be doing nothing in the days coming ahead. I should be continuing to work at PGP to save up the money and lighten up the family's financial burden for my studies. Furthermore, I was only converted to a permanent staff starting from October and it may not be nice to leave the job in December though the reasons for leaving will be leaving for studies. It might seem to be a delay of 6 months but think this way:

Additional 6 months of fixed income + garnering more working experience

The NIE factor

Of course, I will be able to give myself another try into applying into NIE again. The mass intake for NIE will be in the earlier half of the year and furthermore, the next EPT test to meet the NIE requirements will only start from January onwards. This is another chance for me to take the test and get myself into NIE, another option for me other than taking a degree at SIM.

Other options of courses at SIM

Most of the courses in SIM will only be commercing in the July/August period. Under RMIT University, courses such as Marketing and Econs are only available for the July intake for non-business diploma students like me. What's more, UOL degrees only commerced in July every year. Though I have chose to take up Business Management with specialisation in Marketing, I might have the options to take up the fully Marketing one instead, which is cheaper and time-consuming according to the website.

Well, if you are a 23 year old male who has the wishes to take up a full-time degree, and in such a situation like me,

What will you choose ? January or July ?

It's November

It's kind of recharging my batteries by going for a Halloween weekend at Genting.

Now it's time for me to charge myself forward more ahead... It's November and only 2 months left for this year.

Darran asked me whether have I improved this year, I told him I don't think I have improved. In fact, it's been a year of self-realisation, and that self-realisation comes too late. Though everyone said that it's not too late to know how much it has gone wrong my education path had been, I felt I should have realise all these at the age of 16, the crucial age of taking O-Levels, rather than at a maturing age of 23, when until now then I realise that I should have strived harder to undergo my higher education at a local university like NTU/NUS.

Yeah, this year's my regrets and emotions over my failed education path had affected soo much soo that it led me to destructions of some friendships, no thanks to my emotions and my inferiority.

2010's gonna be a struggle, financial struggles perhaps. But it has to be a year of redemption, where I fucking need to breakthrough and score victories in my studies this time round, as well as continuing to rebuild friendships... Friendships that should have been...

Time to push myself to chant at least 1 hour of fighting daimoku each day from this month onwards. I definitely must show actual proofs and achieve deserving happiness.

No Matter What

I had started to listen Boyzone songs once again... Those days of teenage pop, those days of boyband era, had accompanied me through my (upper) Primary and Secondary school days.

Just like other then-popular boybands like Backstreet Boys, N-Sync and Westlife, Boyzone gave us quite a number of classic love songs, like "Love me for a reason", "Baby can I hope you", "No Matter What"...While the main vocal of the band, Ronan Keating, had curved out a much successful solo career after the initial split of the band, the boyband had been making a comeback and held much highly-successful comeback concerts in UK and Ireland since last year. Unfortunately, one of its members had passed away suddenly just yesterday.

Stephen Gately, though somehow a controversial figure due to his sexuality, was the 2nd main vocal of the band and with an amazing voice, despite not having a successful solo career just like Ronan. I was shocked to hear of the news of his death through Yahoo! News and once again, yet another celebrity had left the world this year.

Nevertheless, he and Boyzone had contributed a kind of pop culture in the 1990s and early 2000s, and their songs will always been remembered and be heard, just like the ones of MJ.

R.I.P Stephen Gately.

Announcement

Well, I have created a 2nd blog and therefore, some of the recent posts have been moved as these are the posts that are related to the theme of the blog.

Note: This current blog will still be in use.

防盗锁

说穿了不是什么大事情
说穿了不过自己去看电影
说穿了只是睡醒看不到你
你放心离去 我不要紧

为什么莫名有种矛盾的情绪
给了你祝福又盼望你回心转意
他给的幸福你从笑容就能说明
我还凭什么关心 怎么你不抗拒

感情没有防盗锁 爱走不到尽头
不后悔付出过 各自回家的路试着不再难过
变得成熟 是我能安慰自己唯一的收获
就离开我 别回过头
不要用从前看以后

我猜是我的错 爱怎么被偷走
那只是个感受 如果离开是爱你最后的承诺
多年以后偶尔记得那疯狂不成熟的我
不说穿了 不要结果

不伪装了 我的难过

最后的风度

没有人介入 所有人觉得你该满足
我把心血全都付出 你为何想要哭
为你作主 让你受到我的保护
可是你像受苦 到底是谁难以相处
我给你幸福 你问我什么才是幸福
这个问题 反而让我把你看个清楚
你怕束缚 我的爱没能把你驯服
你没有退路 那倒不如爽快结束

就让你见识我的风度 你离开我要不要庆祝
我不怕爱的残酷 反正我很想跳舞
我最喜欢挑战孤独 我也爱放下包袱
没有谁 我也不舍得哭
我 我不在乎

你觉得痛苦 我倒不愿意为爱受苦
只有这样 我才做到 对你的背叛宽恕
想你幸福 想不到分手你才幸福
是谁的错误 我不认输 我忍得住

就让你见识我的风度 你离开我要不要庆祝
我不怕爱的残酷 反正我很想跳舞
我最喜欢挑战孤独 我也爱放下包袱
没有谁 我也不舍得哭
我没有空在乎
就让你见识我的风度
我忍痛 温柔的祝福
你会一生都记住
我要你铭心刻骨
我最喜欢挑战孤独 我也爱放下了包袱
没有谁 没难度 我最怕哭
爱要爱得投入 却不在乎

You'll Never Walk Alone.

Put my current crisis aside...

Last Sunday was the very first time that I was able to catch a glimpse of the Reds. It was the first time in 8 years that Liverpool visited the Lion City. (Unfortunately, I did not attend the match 8 years ago due to my then-financial-difficulty as a Sec 3 student, while the Reds back then triumphed the then-weaker-and-fewer-foreign-talent Singapore team 2-0, including a goal from now-a-MAN-U-player Michael Owen)

On this day, the wanna-to-be-demolished-and-yet-the-official-last-match-was-2-years-ago Kallang National Stadium was declared as the Kop. It was a day where everyone dressed in Red, with Carlsberg on their shirt(With few have Candy/Crown Paints on their shirts instead), and Adidas/Reebok as the brand. Though everyone was in Red, we were rooting for the away team instead and thus our patriotism for our own country was questioned.

At the end of the 90 minutes, Liverpool trounced the Lions by 5 goals, with a brace from their youngster Kristian Nemeth, as well as their first teamers like Albert Riera, Fernando Torres and came-back-from-loan-and-willing-to-fight-for-a-first-team-place Andriy Voronin. This time, the Reds played more seriously compared to 8 years ago, while I never expect the Lions to lose such a humiliating scoreline, given that Liverpool had played our dear ASEAN rivals, Thailand, to a 1-1 draw in their first match of the tour, while our neighbouring Malaysia lost Man U by respectable scorelines in 2 matches.

While Liverpool showed us that they can be a championship material and challenges Manchester United to the very end, it's just disappointing to see Singapore, packed with quite a number of foreign talents and capturing two consecutive Southeast-Asian titles after the match 8 years ago, gave such a poor display in the second half.

Show us that you all can play football and make these fans like us who love our beloved English clubs more support you too.

TDYWA7th : Everyone deserves a second chance.

Breakdown

I have always never learn.

I have always been a bad chess player, always making the wrong move, too many wrong moves soo much soo that I can't find myself to bounce back.

And just when I thought I can move on and let time heals, some bit*h just added some salts into the wounds...

I have already enough of soo much unhappiness for the past 2 months or soo... from my studies to my relationships with friends...

And now I don't know how am I going to say sorry to her... sincerely. The nail had finally pinned on the coffin...once again.

And I don't know how's the future should go... I just hate to see my life being in a running track, with vicious karmas running round and round again.

这次，全世界是真的...停了电。

Ice Cream

You talk to me
You speak with me
Don't sink before you rise baby
Don't fade away

You hesitate
You seem to wait
For all the time we had
Feels like a world away

Who's to say, we'll be ok
We will make it through the night
Don't wanna wake up in this state
I just want us both to smile

Cause we're the same
And i know that we'll never change
Look i bought your favourite ice cream
I dont wanna see it melt away

If you walk out now
I don't know if we're gonna be the same
Baby just talk with me
Cause i want you to stay here with me

The memories
The things we did
I locked inside my heart
Where i know i won't forget

And now, whos to say, well be ok
We will make it through the night
Dont wanna wake up in this state
I just want us both to smile

Cause were the same
And I know that we'll never change
look I bought your favorite ice reamI
dont want to see it melts away

If you walk out now
I dont know if we could be the same
Baby just talk with me
Cause I want you to stay here with me

I want you to stay here with me

Burning Daimoku

I never felt chanting such burning prayers of daimoku for such a long time. Perhaps, this is the desperate daimoku I really need... to lift myself up and change things for the better.

I try to keep myself busy besides work. Well, I have been assigned to work alongside Minling and the new IICs, John and May Ann, for the upcoming institution meeting in September. It's gonna be like an orientation though for the new SD members who will start their new semesters in August/September. It's gonna be a big production like what John said as the meeting will involve both indoors and outdoors and it's full of fun activities. I hope I can really do my best for this as well as the near-coming YMD/MD Formation Day.

While, I will put my life... in chanting my absolute prayers for her happiness, and well, everyone's happiness.

I shall chant all these burning daimoku as if there's my last moments.

Sorry.

I don't deserve to say that to someone, and I can't forgive myself.

And now...I am facing yet uncertainty of friendships...Even if things are mended slowly, things may not be the same again. Whether this friendship will be closer than before, or more distant than before, I don't know...Though deep inside I hope for the best to come, and I always do.

I wish I will never think soo much...never.

反话

问我多年前 失的门匙 避免说出牵挂
路过她门前 被谁碰见 手执一扎花
问我可记得动心过伤心过 再没半点牵挂
若说起某些合照 想说没有 声音已哑

*如从未遇上她 我记不起曾热恋她
别了她 也懒得说别话
和她 无淩晨无童话
没伸手拥抱 从未忆起她
如从未遇上她 要我将这句重复吗
就算假 谁来问我只好欺诈
营造骗人反话 去抵销我念挂(从来没有她)

没法子回头 讲起从前 就笑说不牵挂
路过她门前 被谁碰见 讲不出笑话
问我可记得动心过伤心过 有没有都潇洒
若说起某些合照 想说没有 声音已哑

CHORUS*

埋藏著当天心痛 情绪一早真空
能忘掉结局也相同 每日淡忘她

没记忆送过多少蔷薇给她
没见识错觉她漂亮吧
从今 无零晨无童话 亦不懂拥抱无力再招架
从来未遇过她 要我将这句重复吗
就算假 谁来问我只好欺诈
无奈骗人反话 却骗不过念挂

Some words to say...

Things have not been looking bright for me these days, as shown in my previous posts. Mid-year crisis perhaps? When one devilish function comes and attacks you, the others follow suit. These days, my emotions had taken control totally on me, there were times I am able to smile, able to say some lame jokes, but deep inside unhappiness has been occupying my heart, my life-force has not been great... perhaps I have been thinking too much...really regretting too much.

Well, all these personal struggles I guess I don't wish to bury them in my heart... guess through blogging I really wanna pour them out...

Studies

After all these while of regrets and frustrations for not making the right decisions in studies, for not putting the primary focus on my education...etc, I have decided to move on and giving myself options in how my education path should go.

Going SIM next year ? Very likely... and it's most probably to be RMIT. Well, I am considering Business Management though. Full-Time OR Part-Time? Depends on how's my financial stability...but I wish I can take Full-Time.

While my application to NIE fell through, there's no harm giving another try again before I made my final decision in my studies in August.

Family

My mum's in hospital again for a small head operation. While the operation was a success, she's not been mentally conscious, her mental health's just seemed to be deteriorating. Guess I really need more patience and understanding in the future. There are times that I really have enough for her illnesses for the past 18 years or so, she's been suffering alot while the family's been suffering alot. But this is a family karma that for me to overcome bravely.

Friends

Do friends really come and go ? I don't know. Sometimes it's a little disappointed to see some friends who seem to be more closer to you than before, back to the same level of friendships again. And just when you thought you's been getting to know them better through gatherings and online conversations, the level of understandings and friendships are actually being stagnant. This is how I feel these past weeks or soo concerning this one particular clique of friends.

Meanwhile... such gatherings and online conversations have been getting lesser than before...

While all along even from last year, I have started to develop feelings for one of them from this particular clique...it's time to admit that I like her. But the distance of friendship just seems to drift apart once I started to develop feelings for her... Perhaps I been thinking too much. Why am I feeling THAT way again ??? Once again, it seems she's just yet another person whom I should not develop feelings for... I wish I had never fall for her at the first place, and all this while I have shown my weaknesses of emotions to her. It just sounds like those same old story of mine...

I don't know she will ever read all this here or not...But nevertheless, I think it's best for me to move on and stop putting too much thoughts on her... no matter whether this friendship will progress like before OR drifting apart as it seems now.

Perhaps through focusing for more other serious challenges ahead and continuing to polishing my life, the good fortune for the right time, right person may come...

Career

After working 3 months at NUS, there are high chances that I am going to convert to a permanent staff, while I am trying to build a closer bond and forging strong friendships with my colleagues. Meanwhile, I am striving to cope well and control my emotions during my work during these challenging times of mine. The temp staffs had left their jobs to prepare for their university lives, quite alot of fond memories spent with them and it's a little 舍不得 to bid farewell to them, but I hope these newly made friendships made in my job can continue to keep in touch.

These are all my personal updates of mine. I just really need to be optimistic, and bring back the strong life force which I used to have last year...

Another Test of time...Another Test of faith...Another Test of human revolution... There's many other things to decide whether is a "year of youth and victory" OR a "year of youth and defeat" in the 2nd half of the year to come...

Kieran's Year of Youth and DEFEAT ???

I wish I will never feel that way... but it's seems successive failures had forced me to feel that soo...

Or rather... the curse of "Once every 3 years will be a fucked up year"...

2003... Expecting the a brand new refreshing life of poly life but things were never meant to be...

2006... Expecting to round up the last of poly life with victories but successive UNhappiness from all sides of my life came by...

And now 2009...

Just when I thought I can pick up the positive notes, picking up those shattered pieces of life mounted by years of regrets and wrongful decisions, and start giving myself options on how to move on with life, most notably my education path, failure just came and made me lost out, most terribly, most humiliating, most embarrassing in a sport which I could have...at least, kept up my own standard level.

I could have played much, much, much better today. But things were never meant to be... and I deserved to keep up my own playing level like what I had used to do last year ! But why am I playing like how I played 5-6 years ago ??? Especially when I made much improvements in that sport ??? Especially when I need some self-confidence and pride back after those dark periods of feeling regrets and making the wrong decisions as well as feeling those inferiority???

Is karma trying to come back and bite my life, pushing me back to where I begin, like how it used to do on me ? Especially when I had a wonderful year before ?

I feel I deserved to be happy, creating values and victories in my life, just like anyone else out there.

现在怎样才能真正重拾我的自信心？？？

It supposed to be...

A fun-loving weekends since the (ill-fated) exams... going for Doris and Zheng Hsin's birthdays...going for SD Rufu run... going for 3 steps forward meeting... but things are not meant to be.

Never mind for others who had enjoyed themselves. But the inner inferiority and disappointments that had accumulated over that 7 years had let me DOWN... at the end of the day, 出门或不出门没差别...

I am grateful to fellow SSA comrades who had been showing concerns to me over these past few days since the exams...I am sorry to show everyone that black face of mine... I just can't elevate my life condition to participate with you all in all these joyous and fun occasions...

Sometimes I wish I can work more harder in my O levels and enter into a JC or a much better course in poly...

Sometimes I wish I can set my decision soo firm and work towards my goal when I was 16...

Sometimes I wish I can put studies infront rather than emoing over some one-sided relationship shit...

Sometimes i wish such negative (study, relationship and family) karma will not accumulate without being realised over 7 years...

Sometimes I wish I can turn back time... I really wish a scientist can invent time-machine for people like me to make amends...

But NO POINT OF WHAT-IFS and that's no bloody shit called Time-Machine !!!

Yes, everything happens for a reason... but such theory has been too costly for me !

I can't blame the likes of As and Ss who I used to like but no chance comes out of it...

I can't blame the way I was brought up...

I can't blame destiny and luck...

I have only myself to blame...

I HAVE ENOUGH !!!

Aftermath

From the moment the incompleted F3 paper due to the lack of time has ended, it seems that my pursuit of ACCA is over...

Or perhaps it spells the end of the old Chia Yiheng.

It just summarized all my karmas for my past lifetime.

Don't speak of my family karma that plagued me since 5... don't speak of my disappointment in PSLE... what I can say now is I could have planned my future much more wisely and much more determined at the age of 16...at the age of 17...at the age of 21.

Soo many "What-if" but what can I say ?

I can only say WRONG decisions of my educational path... WRONG focus in my life. I have paid the price for my laziness, my stupidity, my desperateness, my emoness, my childishness and my lack of ambition...in the end, nothing comes at both end...in my studies and my love life.

Dear friends, you can criticise me for being that DOWN... you can accuse me for not looking forward to the future... I know that's no use looking back and wondering... but HOW NOT TO when when soo many wrong decisions are made and they prove that costly ???

Soo what if I have worked soo hard for that SGT rank during NS but in the end NS is just a fucking waste of time and I continue to lose my respects from the peers ???

I may criticise how shit is Newcastle United in English football...but at the end of the day, I am nothing better than them...in terms of my personal achievements and victories.

Now what next...??? Pursuing a future in teaching chinese ? Signing on with the police force ? I just have to think seriously...

But right now, I have only myself to blame...and I don't deserve to love anyone......including her.

Never-ending

If my life is like a football club, it's gotta be Newcastle United rather than my beloved Liverpool.

Just like that team fighting for relegation from the EPL at this moment, I just feel soo underachieving and the stupidity in me had won over me. How many wrong decisions do I have to make before I can see tremendous actual proofs in my life ???

I am just being foolish, making too much, way too much poor decisions in terms of my studies since 'O' Levels. And it's not just studies after all... Soo many decisions, whether big or small, most of them have been the wrong choices. Right now, I am just being frustrated, disappointed and underachieving. 7 fucking years of youth is seemed to be wasted...Nothing has changed...Nothing.

Soo what if it seems life has been happier than before ? Too many wrong decisions had brought nothing... not a single significant victory. I really had enough. And I don't think I had even done any single human revolution..... Up to this point, I don't think I am able to forge close bonds with most of the people around me.

It just seems that I was born to this world as a clown, as an invisible man.

To let people laugh. To let people ignore. That's all.

And to end this low-life condition post...

18 years of family karma...
11 years of relationship aka love karma...
7 years of study karma...

Anything else ?

Call me Karma King if you want.

ColorGenics

It's just sounds soo true.

http://www.goldinuniverse.com/showprofile.asp?id=1/4/5/3/7/6/0/2/&name=Chia%20Yiheng

You are seeking an affectionate relationship, offering fulfilment and happiness. You are capable of powerful emotional enthusiasm. Deep down, you are a kind loving person, always helpful and willing to adapt yourself if necessary to realise the bond of affection that you desire. But you need the same consideration and understanding from others and it is this need that will sometimes hold you back... so let go, trust and you may pleasantly surprised at what happens.
You are looking for excitement and stimulation and you are ready to try anything - but be careful not to take too many risks.

There are times of everyone's life when 'compromise' is the name of the game and this is the time, so you have no alternative but to forgo some pleasures for the time being. You are capable of achieving satisfaction through physical activity.

Your willpower and stamina are in danger of being overwhelmed by excessive stress. Your resilience and tenacity have become weakened. You are feeling overtaxed, worn out and getting nowhere: but you continue to stand your ground. You feel that this unfavourable situation is an encumbrance which you could well do without and you find yourself unable to make the necessary decisions at this particular moment in time to change anything.

The tensions and stresses that you have experienced of late have been the result of trying to cope with conditions which are really beyond your capabilities. You feel completely inadequate to cope with the situation and you would like nothing better to escape from it all and to be able to relax in a problem and pressure free environment where you can do your thing.

全世界都停电

The song which best describes my current state of life.

连你都会残忍隔绝
我的心能要谁了解
眼中烛光摇晃着熄灭
为何把我推向边缘
被砸坏了的一切
卡住了我 让我无法往前

囚禁在距离笑声最远的房间
单独 隔离 寂寞地盘旋

全世界都停了电
全世界都封了街
我所有窗子外面 被贴上黑夜
我呐喊思念 却没人听见
绝望到极点剩的是疲倦

全世界都停了电
全世界白雪满天
才发觉在我心间有回忆碎片
一作梦翻身就刺痛流血
我卷着身体 缩成一个圈
像一个句点

爱在记忆中找你

我对你这一生哪个可比
我与你差一些永远一起
邂逅时间场地似连场好戏
要自何页说起wow ho

爱太重深呼吸欠缺空气
爱太美轻轻的却载不起
爱情来到时候似明媚天气
它走了突然骤变雪落雨飞

如果可以恨你全力痛恨你
连遇上亦要躲避
无非想放下你还是挂念你
谁又会及我伤悲
前事最怕有人提起
就算怎么伸尽手臂
我们亦有一些距离

你太远该怎么说对不起
你太近一转身却已高飞
快乐也许太短似场流星雨
一眨眼就如幻觉怕又记起

我情愿我狠心憎你

我还在记忆中找你

An overdued diary

For this piece of diary, I should have written it on the very last day of February, or maybe at the beginning of March. In the end, when I scrolled through my archives just now, I realised that I didn't! Therefore, I decided to write this piece of overdued diary.

What have I missing writting in this blog ?

Well, it's the 25th SD Anniversary held at Senja Soka Centre on 28th February. Besides being involved in the choir performing 2 songs at 2 shows on that day, I was glad to be involved in the exchange dinner once again with the 3rd batch of students from Soka University of Japan. While I missed the 2nd batch exchange due to my holidays in Hong Kong, I was able to be a part of the exchange together with the 1st batch and the 3rd batch. (The exchange dinner with the 1st batch of SUJ students happened to fall on Valentine's Day, see http://i-kieran-yiheng.blogspot.com/2009/02/good-bye-my-friend.html)

This time around after both concerts for the Anniversary shows ended, we were introduced to 2 YWD students whom would be attached to my group(ITAC) for the exchange dinner. They are Megumi and Yoshiko, both 1st year students studying Economics in English. While everyone was hungry by the time we set off, we took them to have a taste of local food for dinner at Bukit Timah Hawker Centre. While both girls chose to eat something with rice, I offered to let them try mixed economical rice(杂菜饭) and I was teased by the rest of the group for being soo "nice" to them and since I offered them such simple treats.

They were special guests from Japan and it's their first ever overseas trip out of Japan, and therefore it's best to give them a dinner treat as a local host.

Once again, like the first exchange on V-Day, we shared conversations of cultures between Singapore and Japan while we enjoyed the dinner throughout the session. And then, we moved off to take a bus back to their hotel to send them back. It was quite a memorable night as we talked alot throughout the entire trip and sang along on a near-empty top level of the double double bus.

As usual, photo-takings were done at the lobby of the hotel before the bunk of us bidding farewell to our newly-made Japanese friends.

Now, nearly 2 months had passed while I had just installed Skype in order to have a online verbal conversations with one of the friends, Megumi. We had been exchanging emails and updating our lives to each other prior to that. (And please guys...don't get the wrong idea.)

Meanwhile, I hope I can visit Japan, very likely in 2010, not only to have fun there visiting attractions, eating their delicacies, visiting the soka centres over there, and also meeting my Japanese friends over there.

For now, I must work hard and make my resolutions come true.