Kieran's Year of Youth and DEFEAT ???

I wish I will never feel that way... but it's seems successive failures had forced me to feel that soo...

Or rather... the curse of "Once every 3 years will be a fucked up year"...

2003... Expecting the a brand new refreshing life of poly life but things were never meant to be...

2006... Expecting to round up the last of poly life with victories but successive UNhappiness from all sides of my life came by...

And now 2009...

Just when I thought I can pick up the positive notes, picking up those shattered pieces of life mounted by years of regrets and wrongful decisions, and start giving myself options on how to move on with life, most notably my education path, failure just came and made me lost out, most terribly, most humiliating, most embarrassing in a sport which I could have...at least, kept up my own standard level.

I could have played much, much, much better today. But things were never meant to be... and I deserved to keep up my own playing level like what I had used to do last year ! But why am I playing like how I played 5-6 years ago ??? Especially when I made much improvements in that sport ??? Especially when I need some self-confidence and pride back after those dark periods of feeling regrets and making the wrong decisions as well as feeling those inferiority???

Is karma trying to come back and bite my life, pushing me back to where I begin, like how it used to do on me ? Especially when I had a wonderful year before ?

I feel I deserved to be happy, creating values and victories in my life, just like anyone else out there.

现在怎样才能真正重拾我的自信心？？？